I am doomed for eternity.
I have never been gifted with the ability of "middle ground" when it comes to my emotions.
What messes me up the most is not being able to find a middle ground in my love for you. I can't help it...I want you, all of you. I want you to be the first thing I see when I open my eyes and the last thing I feel before I drift into the comfortable heavenly bliss of sleeping next to the one person who means the world to you. I have never had a more restful sleep than when I was sleeping next to you.
I want your lips on mine like I need the next breath of air. I want to feel the natural syncronization of our lips as we begin to let our passion and emotions communicate what our words can't. I want to hold on to you strongly as to not drift away. You are my anchor and my buoy in this crazy shit storm of life. I want your arms wrapped around me making me feel the safest and most beautiful woman on this world. I want you to hold my waist and pull me closer because you feel the same way.
I want random, pointless conversations that turn into belly-aching laughter. I want to be in your company drinking cheap corner store wine while discussing the current state of the political arena. I want to listen to you describe the runs you do and how beauitful the mountains are. I want to see you grin and have the boyish charm that melts my insides and makes me giggle. I want to see you swish your hair to the side over and over again as your ponder on the current task at hand. I want to be the one to remind you that you need to get a haircut. I want you to be the one to remind me to go to the gym and to eat healthier and to not drink as much Mountain Dew. But I want you to be the one who buys me a Twix, Mountain Dew, and cheetos on my next shark week. I want you to baby me and treat me as the most precious thing in all of existence. I want to be an independent strong woman that succumbs to the arms of the man of her dreams.
As of today, its been 821 days since we first talked; we became best friends right out of the gate, its been 305 days since our first kiss, and 273 days since we became more than friends. In the last year, I have been away from you about 30 days total... Those were way too many days apart... now because we're both adults and have to adult now, we can't see each other as much and it kills me. You asked me " you do realize we won't see each other as much anymore right?" and I died a little inside. I can't imagine not being with you as much....you also said "I rather not be around you as much now than later in life" and I understand but that doesn't mean I like it. How can I find the middle ground in our relationship when I don't know what that is! Will I go to the other extreme of self-destruct and self-perserverance and keep you at bay? I'm scared
